5 secrets about how to win with a narcissist

5 secrets about how to win with a narcissist5 secrets about how to win with a narcissistIs that difficult someone driving you up the wall? Whats the best way to handle impossible people?Ive broken down the research on how to handlenarcissists,borderlines,psychopathsand other cluster B troublemakers, and the primary answer is always the sameRun. Get outta there. No contact.Personality disorders are notlageoriously difficult to treat, cluster Bs are notoriously difficult to deal with, and youre not a therapist. (Though at this point you probably feel like a very frazzled one.)But I received a lot of responses from readers basically sayingWhat do I do if Icantleave? Is there any way to make them change?Its their boss and they need this job. Its their spouse and they have kids together. Its their best friend and they cant in good conscience abandon them.So how do you deal with a narcissist when saying MEEP-MEEP and sprinting away Road-Runner-style isnt an option?Dr. Craig Malkin is a psy chologist at Harvard Medical School and his new bookRethinking Narcissism The badeanstalt - and Surprising Good - About Feeling Specialoffers some hope.A lot of what you know about narcissists is wrong and there are proven ways to not only deal with them but to help them get better. (Not that narcissists need to get better - hey, theyre perfect, right?)Okay, lets get to workSympathy for the devilTurns out weallhave some narcissistic traits and theyre normal, natural and, frankly, essential. Without them youd deal with crippling low self-esteem, Eeyore.Its when people go too far down the spectrum into malignant narcissism that we get the entitlement, exploitation, and other assorted nastiness narcissists are so well known for.FromRethinking Narcissism The Bad - and Surprising Good - About Feeling SpecialWe need our grandiosity at times to feel happy and healthy. And a growing body of recent research concludes that a little narcissism, in adolescence, helps the young survive the Sturm und Drang of youth moderate teenage narcissists are less anxious and depressed and have far better relationships than their low and high narcissism peers. Likewise, corporate leaders with moderate narcissism are rated by their employees as far mora effective than those with too little or too much. The difference between narcissists and the rest of us is one of degree, not kind.Extreme narcissism is a disorder, and to help those who have it we need torememberits a disorder. When people suffer from depression, anxiety or borderline personality disorder we tend to feel sympathy but with narcissism we often moralize and say theyre bad. Thats like feeling sorry for people with tuberculosis but saying those with meningitis are a bunch of jerks who had it coming.Malkin explains that narcissists werent given secure love when growing up. They werent appreciated for just being themselves they were only celebrated for what they achieved. When you cant count on empathy from those around y ou, you stop trusting, and you feel ashamed of your normal human frailties.You stop trying to get your emotional needs met from love and instead try to be special - better than others. Better looking, more talented, smarter or more accomplished. You stop trying to soothe your insecurities by relying on people and instead turn to a fantasy self where you are superior.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my new bookhere.)The childhood of a narcissist is sad and a little scary. But it also holds the secret to helping narcissists get betterHow do you fix someone who is perfect?All psychopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are psychopaths. Psychopathscantfeel empathy.For narcissists, empathy is more like an underdeveloped muscle. Still there, but as you have probably experienced first hand, it sure doesnt get used much.You need to help them build that empathy muscle.Calling them a jerk or criticizing their behavior only makes them worse. But when t hey are compassionately reminded of the importance of their relationships - and how those relationships can help them achieve their goals - they can improve.FromRethinking Narcissism The Bad - and Surprising Good - About Feeling SpecialMore than a dozen studies exploring whether or not narcissists can change have now been conducted and they all point to the same conclusion encouraging narcissists to feel more caring and compassionate reduces their narcissism If narcissists are approached in a gentler way, many seem to soften emotionally. When they feel secure love, they become more loving and more committed in return The lesson from research is that people only slide down the spectrum when theyre reminded of the importance of their relationships. Change doesnt come from telling them off for being too success-driven, ruthless, or manipulative it comes by showing them the benefits of collaboration and understanding.No, this isnt a Disney film and giving the Grinch a big hug isnt g oing to instantly turn him into a sweetheart. But psychologists have found success with using what are called empathy prompts.FromRethinking Narcissism The Bad - and Surprising Good - About Feeling SpecialPrompting involves two components voicing the importance of your relationship and revealing your own feelings. Voicing the importance of your relationship generally involves making supportive statements, such as You matter so much to me or Youre important to me or I care about you a great deal. Declarations like these signal how special someone is to us. Theyre the kind of reassurance many narcissists dont even realize they miss. They nudge people toward thinking about the relationship, moving the focus from you and me to we. More importantly, they signal your willingness to offer secure love.So you might sayI consider you an important friend. Thats why I feel so sad when you dont return my calls for weeks.Mom, youre one of the most important people in my life. So when you questi on my every move, I feel devastated, like Im a failure in your eyes.One caveat for people who have narcissistic tendencies, empathy prompts can, over time, help to reduce their bad habits. But if someone has full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, well, the cancer has metastasized. They may be too far gone to improve without professional help.Thats sad, but it gives empathy prompts a second use theyre a good litmus test for whether theres hope for the narcy in your life.When empathy prompts are delivered properly and sincerely, without a raised voice or implied guilt trip, most people melt. If your narcy is impervious to them, they may be impervious to your help overall.FromRethinking Narcissism The Bad - and Surprising Good - About Feeling SpecialCan your partner, friend, or relative place the relationship- in other words, place you- ahead of their coercive attempts to feel special? Can they allow your pain to touch them and say theyre sorry or comfort you or just show th ey understand? If they cant, you need to view their narcissism exactly as you would any addiction. The drug has taken over their livesSo how do you know if empathy prompts are working? Malkin explains that youre succeeding when your narcy responds byAffirming Youre my best friend, too. I dont want you to feel bad.Clarifying How long have you been feeling sad around me?Apologizing Im sorry- I dont want you to feel like a failure.Validating I know my sarcasm hurts you.(To learn how to deal with psychopaths and other toxic people, clickhere.)This is a great system for dealing with that self-absorbed loved one in your personal life. But you probably cant get this deep and emotionally gooey at the office.So how do you help a narcissistic boss or co-worker?The narcissist in the corner officeThe knee-jerk advice everyone gives when dealing with a workplace monster is to report them. But as experts like Stanford professorBob Suttonhave made clear over and over, that just doesnt work.A 2008 survey of 400 people asked what their employers did when they reported being bullied.Malkinlists the results1.7% conducted a fair investigation and protected the target with punitive measures against the bully.6.2% conducted a fair investigation with punitive measures for the bully but no protection for the target.8.7% conducted an unfair investigation with no punitive measure for the bully.31% conducted an inadequate/unfair investigation with no punitive measures for the bully, but plenty for the target.12.8% did nothing or ignored the harte nuss with no consequences for anyone, bully or target.15.7% did nothing, but retaliated against the target for reporting. Target remained employed.24% of employers did nothing, except fire the target.Long story short 70+% of the time itll be you who takes it on the chin.So reporting doesnt work and empathy prompts might be a little too personal s Can you lower your voice? Can you tell me what steps you want taken? Can you use a kinder tone?For exampleI feel unhappy the rest of the day when you criticize me in front of the entire group. Can you save your feedback for one-on-one meetings?(To learn the seven-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)Alright, weve learned a lot. Lets round it up and learn how we can always feel special and not turn into a narcissist.Sum upThis is how to win with a narcissistIn your personal life, use empathy prompts Music doesnt soothe the savage beast, but reminding them about relationships and your feelings can.Use We Its just one word but its effective with narcissists. (If you cant manage to do this youre not paying attention to me. You should pay attention to me. Im really important.)Reward Good Behavior When the puppy behaves, give it a treat.Contrast good and bad behaviorNormally when Jim turns in a report late you sto him down a flight of stairs. I thought it was wonderful today when you chose to throw a stapler at him instead.Teach them their ABCs Mention your affect, their bad behavior, and the correction youd like to see. This is an advanced Jedi move. Build to this with your Sith Lord, young Padawan.Narcissists come in many flavors (grandiose, covert, communal, etc.) but they all share one thing in common they need to feel special.And, frankly, feeling specialiskinda nice. We all like to feel special. But whats the path to the healthy way of feeling special vs the narcissistic kind?Dont put up a false front. Youre human and you screw up. Thats normal and natural.Trying to seem perfect often earns you only envy.Instead, show others your true self. Warts and all. Youll look stupid sometimes. But that is when the people who truly care about you will show empathy. And youll grow closer to them, showing empathy back.Ruthlessly striving to seem special in the eyes of strangers alienates those who care about you and is the path to narcissism. If you open up and are vulnerable you can have the only kind of specialness that mattersBeing specia l to the ones you love.Join more than 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Related postsNew Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You HappyNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulHow To Get People To Like You 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior ExpertThis article first appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.